I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
