did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
