I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize