Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
