well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
