I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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