Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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