Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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