guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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