I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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