Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
