Tell her she can't have a vagina
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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