i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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