ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
