my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
