I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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