don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
