The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize