I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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