nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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