no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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