i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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