You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
