Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
