Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
