I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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