my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
