I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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