you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize