Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
