some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
