I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
