yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
