So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
3pm strippers are depressing
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
