the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
false alarm, still single
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