Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
