on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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