My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
