Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
