my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
