it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
