How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
