last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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