between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
