I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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