I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
don't judge my taste in strippers
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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