Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ttyl tear gas
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
