Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
