I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
