Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
