How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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