The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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