I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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