The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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