At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
