If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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