How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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