i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
